I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his friends.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven....
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
He was a wise man who invented beer.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.