Dear Mr. Verch,
It has long been known to the Penguin Liberation Army (PLA) of your cruel and inhumane treatment of the most majestic creature on the face of the earth, the mighty penguin. Your continuous abuse of this fine creature must come to an end. We have seen your website and we find it most revolting. The use of a penguin as some sick marketing tool is incomprehensible and highly contemptible.
After a meeting of the PLA's inner council we have decided that we will in fact return your Penguin if the following demands are met:
- One case of beer must be brought to the BBQ tonight for all to share
- A Hawaiian shirt must be worn every day for one week
- A dozen donuts must be left in the lunchroom for all to enjoy
- An official apology for your crimes against penguins must be posted on your website until you receive notice that it may be removed
You should consider yourself lucky that we would even entertain the thought of returning your penguin. If you don't complete the demands, the Penguin gets it!
The Penguin Liberation Army